Your Existing Situation

He tends to proceed with caution due to her fear of rejection. This attitude makes in difficult for her to earn respect or develop close relationships.
Your Stress Sources

"Wishes for freedom and independence, free from limitations and restrictions except for the ones she choices to give himself."
Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels unhappy and isolated because she is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding she desires.

"Willing to become emotionally involved because she feels isolated and alone. she tries to avoid conflict and disagreements, but her arrogance leads her to quickly take offense."

Is satisfied and finds contentment through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective

Alert and very observant. Always looking for new opportunities which offer freedom and the hope of making the most of them. Looking to prove herself and be recognized for her for her achievements. Feels separated from others and constantly trying to bridge that gap.
Your Actual Problem

"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."

I can no longer tolerate the miserable.

This world is fucked. I KNOW that and have known it for a very long time... longer than pretty much everyone in my immediate world. I have seen or heard about more shit than I could ever possibly process. And I have grown weary and tired of it.

Which isn't to say that I don't want to know about the latest, even more fucked up, animal experiment, genocide, toxic chemical dump, sexual perpetrator or your new revelation about how humans need yet one more simply acquired necessity that is no longer available in civilization (good food, clean air, adequate rest time).

But I am tired of those who use the state of the world as an excuse to be in a foul mood all the time or as proof that they aren't an ignorant apathetic drone. It doesn't prove anything other than you rather add more negativity to a world overflowing with it. And I don't know what you are trying to prove to me anyway... I feel like tattooing "I get it" on my forehead.

Preferred ignorance and apathy still make the top of my list of most annoying personality traits, but I just want to be around people who are happy in spite of it all. Perhaps I am getting soft, but really I just want to experience joy the best I can in a culture that wants nothing more than us to be unhappy. I want very badly to heal the wounds that this culture has inflicted on me, the symptoms of which include my own anger and negativity. And I want the people around me to help me do that.... to show me how to be happy.

Sometimes good enough just isn't good enough.

I have never felt as unnatural and disgusted living in an urban environment as I do now. Our love affair seems unhealthy for both of us... perhaps it is time for me to move on.

So it all started because I have this mole that is changing and I have to get it checked out. And with most things that I am kind of freaked out about I fantasize about how it's going to go. (I wonder if everyone does this.... picturing the doctor's prognosis, telling your friends and family, what are you going to do with your last..., but maybe I am too morbid.) And I think about how when some people are told they have x amount of time to live die exactly to the day and how others achieve a full recovery. I wonder what makes the difference and whether someone's will to live is more important than anything. I remember my father's resignation toward death near the end of his life... was he accepting the inevitable or did he help speed it along? Sitting with him in the hospital, I sometimes thought it was the latter.

And then I wonder about my will to live. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any wish to end my life, but I wonder if someone told me that I had a year to live would I really say "no fucking way"? I'm not so sure. But why the fuck not? I must admit that part of me would take pleasure in knowing that I could just do whatever I wanted without fearing the consequences.... I mean whatever anyone could do to me it would only last a year.... oh the shit I would do! And how sad it is that fear keeps me from doing what I want.

But also, and this kind of disturbs me more in a way, is that I began to think that my life perhaps wasn't worth much because human life isn't worth much. I mean in a way, humans suck, right? I can sum it up in one word: civilization and you know exactly what I am talking about. Or I can use a multitude of words: prisons, cars, pavement, nuclear bombs, pollution, deforestation, vivisection, television, jobs, factory farming, bureaucracy, money, slavery, plastic, commercials, etc. and you know exactly what I am talking about. All of my friends (that's probably why we are friends) know this... know that humans have ruined everything. And even the ones that don't want to ruin anything at all, end up doing so anyway. If we care about this planet, our home, we should all just not be here, right? So it is really difficult not to see my absence from this planet as well, somewhat beneficial... so a prognosis may not be great news, but hey, could it really be seen as so so bad that it would cause me or anyone to fight with every ounce of my being any disease I might have? And I like my life; I would say I am at about 80% of yeah, I want to keep on living, I am having fun, I do cool shit, etc. But, I'm thinking why am I not at a 100%, why would I not say "absolutely, no fucking way"? And is this a problem?

It is often said that one of the differences between human and non-human animals is that humans know that they are going to die one day. I don't really think that I believe this, but I am beginning to wonder if knowing that you are going to die one day keeps you from being fully 100% in favor of living. Are we trapped by the idea that "well, it's going to happen one day"? We are told that all animals, by nature, are designed to value and work for their own survival (or survival of their offspring) above everything else. Is me being not at 100%, yet another way I have become domesticated? Maybe there is resignation amongst other species in the face of death. I think I've seen it on those nature programs. But I can't help that something about not being at 100%, just feels, well, fucking weird and unnatural.

But it gets even weirder.... Derrick Jensen argues that most of us in our culture are in love with death, our own death, death of the natural world, death of the planet. That at the base of it, we really don't give a shit about our lives because otherwise we wouldn't destroying everything we need for survival. Why in the world would we value shopping malls over trees, if we didn't have a death wish? So why, then, would my failure to fight for my survival come from my hatred of civilization... from knowing that the world might be better without me (or any of us)?

For me, it comes down to this: either I have to accept that I am not 100% enthusiastic about my own survival or the survival of my species. I have to be able to explain to my mother, my brothers, my friends and the people that love me why I might only have a response of "oh shit, well, that kind of sucks... I'll do the best I can but oh well" in the face of death (and this would include not just trips to the doctor's office, but I also think about how I would respond if I was attacked in a lethal manner) even though they might want me to fight harder. And accept that the uneasiness that comes with that... and that possibly that outlook pushes me in further into domestication. Or I have to really value my own survival... and in some way the survival of my species. I have to see humans (in general, not just certain ones that I have personally grown fond of) as worth saving, even as they destroy everything around them. And in order to do that, I have to forgive and love them again. To see some sort of value, any value, in humans existing. And to not surround myself exclusively and limit my time with those who profess to hate humans (i.e. pretty much everyone I know).

My next doctor's appointment is Monday.

Of course thinking you are going to die is going to do some weird things to your head. The person that I most expected to come to the hospital didn't. I said that it didn't bother me, but it was the biggest lie I've told that person so far. One of the people that did come, one of my oldest friends in the bay area, is now, a few days later, someone I don't understand and can't talk to.

I still don't feel so well.

Now more than ever I want to escape this culture. But is there really anywhere left to run to? And is it really worth it? Furthermore, are these valid questions, or just thinly disguised excuses not to "just do it"?

Because really, I am (successfully so far) trying to spend a lot less time on the internet. In an effort to try really hard to connect more deeply with people in real life. And I realized that there is just too many fucking people around. And I seem to have fleeting and shallow relationships with all of them. Even people I have known for years. And a lot of the time I don't even want to talk to anyone at all because I know that the conversation is going to have nothing to do with our spiritual or emotional lives, but it is just going to be playing 'catch up' because I haven't talked to them in two weeks. I can't stand this anymore. It's civilization at its worst and I feel like I am going crazy with this level of disconnection. Sometimes, I just want to do a cull of people I interact with (or rather I should just move to a smaller town). Not because I don't value each an every person in their way but just because there is so many of them and I know that everyone, including myself, gets shortchanged. But I wouldn't even know where to start with such a thing. Shit.

nothing gives me quite the sense of serenity that i get from a whole slew of abandoned buildings.

"Feminism is confusing." -Thomas, age 12.

"Only what you have not given can be lacking in any situation." When I first read these words, I didn't know how much the sentiment behind them would change my life forever. In fact, I don't even think I understood what they meant. I have heard it put another way: "We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present." From that point on an idea has been stuck in my head which I interpret as this: When we are unhappy with whatever situation we find ourselves in, the answer is always to give more of ourselves. When there is something upsetting or disappointing me, the answer is always for me to be more loving and kind. I am not always able to do this. Hell, I am not always able to even remember this, but whenever I do, it works every single time. I'm not joking. It probably sounds ridiculous to say that when we are feeling at our worst it is most necessary to give all we have, but I think it is an essential part of being truly happy. Whenever you see me unhappy, it's because I've forgotten to do this. So feel free to remind me. And you know, maybe you want to try this out yourself and see if can make you as happy as it has made me.

Good night and good luck!